It just occurred to me how they must train those
unflinching guards at Buckingham Palace. They send them to the U.S. to work as
waiters. Would-be guards learn to see right through people, to reach the point
where no waving or shouting can distract them. Recently I observed a fellow in
a restaurant trying so hard to get a waiter's attention that he was practically
doing seated jumping jacks. The poor guy did not know that experienced food
service professionals wear special contact lenses that make customers
invisible.
The problem isn't just in restaurants, of course.
Retail stores hire ghosts. Go into a big discount store and you will see
shoppers, working in teams, equipped with floor-plans and walkie-talkies,
trying to corner clerks. Still, the employees escape. They dematerialize and
then reassemble their molecules in the break room.
Having worked my way through college as a bookstore
clerk, I know how frustrating "the public" can be. But, hey, you ain't got
annoyances, you ain't got a job. So, in tribute to all the good retail
clerks, the ones who actually help customers, I wrote a poem about the slouches
who make their jobs harder. With a tip of a cat's hat to the immortal Dr.
Seuss, I give you....
THE CLERK WITH THE SMIRK
The shop it was busy.
The clerk he was
not.
The more shoppers asked him,
The dumber he got.
"They don't pay me enough,
to do all this
work.
They don't pay me enough,"
Said The Clerk With The Smirk.
"Slow, slower, slowest:
That's my strategy.
You want it done fast,
Don't try asking me."
"I hate working here --
All irk and no
perk.
I long to get axed,"
Said The Clerk With The Smirk.
"I'll be unemployed.
I'll go on the dole.
No
taxes to pay.
No rigamarole."
And the Clerk With The Smirk,
Soon got himself
fired.
The boss sent him packing,
With language inspired.
Thought the Clerk With The Smirk,
"That's fine,
fine, fine, fine.
I'll collect unemployment;
I'll go get in line."
But the lines there were long,
And the service
so poor,
That waiting and waiting
Became quite a chore.
At last at the front,
The smirker did whine,
"The help here is lousy,
You ought to resign."
The man sized him up,
And said with a sneer,
"I'm closing this line;
You can go to the rear."
"Hey, wait! No you don't!"
Cried the Clerk With
The Smirk.
"I'll see that you're fired;
For the work that you
shirk."
To the Clerk With The Smirk,
Said the Clerk With
The Sneer,
"Thanks to people like you,
I'll always be here."
Copyright © 1994, King Features
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